Not only i'm wasting another month waiting for the last day of it to come to have any kind of relief or something that feels like relief...
Also, I can't avoy anymore to disconnect more and more each time from almost everyone.
I'm once again in that state of mind where I don't have the answers for myself and I can't even have the answers people want for their problems and dreams.
But I don't feel bad for not having such answers, because I'm in no position of caring for others as I used to. Such a shame people can't see that - as always.
They say they care, they say they want to help and they say, then, they can't. They also call themselves my Friends. But they don't know the meaning of any of those words. And until they do, I can't give them the answers they long for. I can't give my love to them. And I certainly can't accept their love. Because I really can't and because I don't want to.
And I wish they could understand and respect that. But they just can't. They just don't know how. And it appears that, the more I try to push them away, they understand that the harder they try, the better it'll end up. But isn't it just pathetic? What about that so called honesty? What about using those values to make things work out? It doesn't count if you keep saying beautiful things but never make them happen. It doesn't count if you find so many things in common with me if you do not earn the trust and the intimacy...it's not somthing that will be gained out of nothing.
Damnit!
Sometimes I think I give the wrong idea about my own feelings, because it's just not possible that everyone gets everything in the wrong way always! And I hate to be the bad guy that keeps some truths to the self in order to avoy hurting people who just have no idea of how bad they're doing... And by the time they realize that, it's over. You always have to say what you didn't before, and do what you did'nt before and things are just ruined. And it always comes back to you, the bad guy. And I hate to be that bad guy always.
But I rather be the bad guy, and being sure of myself and the right one than just messing around and screwing things up, because, let's face it, I never asked for any of these and never let them think it was what I intented.
So, yeah, confused, depressed, totally not in the mood but being obliged to overcome or to forget all of this and do the "right" thing.
And it doesn't help in my situation at all... so, yeah, an outsider in my own life.
A very pissed off outsider in my own life. =~
Won't it ever end?
